Vlashka's
Very Own Vanity Page
All
About ME
Click to
see
PHOTOS OF
ME !
What do I read?
This is another
commonly-asked question. In fact it usually comes out as more of a
statement by customers - "She must be a well-read dog!". To which Mr B
(thinking himself hilarious) replies "yes, but only those books on the
bottom shelf". Well, I'll have you know that I don't read at all in
fact, as I'm just a dog. However, were I able to, here are some of the
things I'd choose to settle down to in front of the fire:
The
Canterbury Tails
Gibbon’s Rise and Fall of the Doberman Empire
E M
Forster: Room with a Chew
A A
Milne: The Pooh at House Corner
Raymond
Chandler: The Big Sleep
Joanne
Harris: Chocolat
Richard
Mabey: Food for free
Oedipus’s Rex
Caesar’s: The Conquest of Ball
Tolstoy: Warmth and Peace
Beckett: Waiting for Doggo
Anything by Dogstoyevsky
What breed am I?
The most common question
you will hear asked at Mr B's is "what kind of dog is she?" To be exact,
it is usually "what kind of dog is he?" to which Mr B replies, tittering
"oh, it's a she, despite the beard!" Anyway, once they've all
established my gender, the topic of my breed is commonly dismissed with
one of the following responses:
(1) "Oh, she's a dog's
home mix - from the Czech Republic"
(2) "She's a street-mix"
(3) "Breed? Ha! She's a
total Heinz 57"
So I would like to set the
record straight -but not without having my own share of fun first. I am
indeed one of the following breeds but can you guess which one? Answers
on a postcard with a doggie on it addressed to "Madame Vlashka, 14-15
John Street, Bath BA1 2JL". No prizes awarded. All pleasure derived from
the simple joy of writing to me.
A
miniature Haystack Hound
A
Slovakian Crème Brûlé
A Bohemian
Street Whirl
A
Wiltshire Squirrel Stalker
An Aquae
Sulis Punk Terrier
A European
Oolitsa [Russian for ‘street’]
A Somerset
Monkey-Phobe
Nečistokrevný Pes
Dr Vlashka's Dictionary
Words I know
Sit! (Am I gonna get a biscuit?)
Stay! (Am I gonna get a biscuit?)
Fetch! (Only if it's a biscuit) No!
(why not?) Which Hand Is It In?
(just give me the biscuit!) Beg!
(oh the humiliation) Shhhhhhh!
(whatever) Roll-Over! (Yeah!
I'm gonna get a biscuit!) Lie Down!
(Yeah! I'm gonna get a biscuit!) All
Gone! (oh. I'm not gonna get a biscuit)
Bye-Bye! (see ya! - do I get a biscuit?)
Up! (not the car again?!)
What's this? (is it a biscuit?)
Who's that? (you! you idiot)
Is It For Vlashka? (is it a
biscuit?) Kde je Pedro? (on je v
Praze) Doggy (yeah!),
Squirrel (grrrrrrr),
Pussy Cat (if it's the white fluffy
one, it's toast this time), Mouse
(sniff behind the boiler), Baboon
(bark at the tv), Horsey (run!),
Birdy (look up at tree),
ball (ok),
squeaky ball (wohooo!), stick
(chase then chew), stripeysaurus
(does it squeak?), squeaky hippo
(cool), dinner (not as good
as theirs), biscuit (yum),
sausages (double-yum),
bone (heaven),
basket (warm), bed
(with Mr & Mrs B when I can wangle it),
customers (love 'em!), shop
(home), Jane Austen (plastic
lady in a bonnet that always freaks me out),
Monkey (evil), Mummy
(food), Daddy (no food),
Uncle Harvey (playmate),
Chris (food) &
Gill (no food), Grandma
(sofa), Grandpa (Lamb
bones!), Auntie Suz (silly),
Auntie Rachel (disappeared),
Caroline (ever so tall),
Bryony (fun, squirrel chasing
buddy), Geraldine & John (my Gay
Street residence), Uncle Rachael
(face-licking) DHL delivery man
(living on borrowed time), Kitty
(best friend), Badger (new puppy on
the block), Stretch (eats my balls),
DJ (hateful) ,
Roly-Mo (cute bitch), Pedro
(my Czech lover), Finn (big
grey dog - way out of my league), Bongo
(tail-nipper), Jasper (ball
stealer), Goulash (attention seeking
brother) and Zephyr (my handsome
black prince).
Cesar can bite me!
As I suspected all along,
books are EVIL! They give people ideas. They change the status quo. Damn
them all!! And one in particular.
"Cesar's Way" by Cesar Millan. Upon
a recommendation by (of all people!) the owner of my handsome "Black
Prince", Mrs B has read it cover to cover and is prattling on about how
great it is to everyone who'll listen.
The basic premise is that
dog owners are confusing their dogs by not being strong, calm, assertive
"pack leaders" and that dogs (and owners) would be much better off if
the owners took control and stopped "humanizing" their dogs. I grant
you, this is based on solid dog psychology and the man is, frankly,
brilliant. Everything he says is true but I don't want her to
know that! I was perfectly content with the status quo, thank you
very much. I could pull, sniff, beg, bark, jump-up and whine to my
heart's content - She thought she was the Leader, but I knew I was and
everyone was happy. Now, under Cesar's Command, there are worrying signs
that she really is taking matters into her own hands and taking control!
I have to "heel", of all things! I have to stand still at crossings,
can't beg at table and can't bark at the DHL man (?!). It's all going
horribly wrong. I had her sooo well trained too. I had hoped it was just
a "phase" she was going through but it seems to be lasting an awfully
long time and I am not best pleased.
So, thanks for nothing, Mr
Cesar - aka Dog Whisperer. May I whisper a little something in your ear.
Come bite me!
Christmas Special - My
Very Own Round-Robin
Is it really Christmas
time again already? How time flies! I do hope 2006 was as wonderful for
you as it was for me. The year started out well, as I got used to my new
home in the UK - we have a simply lovely view over the village green! I
took a well-earned break to Manchester in February for a few days to see
Mrs B's parents (aka grandma and grandpa) who really are very doting.
The whole shop-opening was a little chaotic in June but I've quite taken
to being a shop dog - the extra attention is, I admit, almost too
much to take at times, especially when I get to meet famous authors but
luckily I am surrounded by friends who keep me grounded. I have also
made some lovely new friends - Bryony, who walks me all the time, my new
canine pals at Victoria Park (Kitty, Roly Mo, Stretch etc) as well as
plenty of regular customers who I'm sure don't give a toss about books
but just come in to see ME. As for My Very Own Black Prince.....more
later!
I hate to brag but I was
featured several times in The Bath Chronicle and got a mention in Bath
Life and I believe on Mr B's Somerset Sound radio show too - as well as
in a Canadian newspaper, no less.
Christmas was a blast!
Cuddle figures soared week-on-week and net nibble-intake per day was off
the scale! Much merriment was had by tripping up the
Book Monkey as he hauled boxes
around and I got THE best present of all time from grandma and
grandpa....click
here to see what it was!
My new year's resolutions
are as follows:
(1) Catch a squirrel
(2) Try to stop barking at
the DHL man
Wishing you and your
families well. A very happy and successful New Year.
p.s. As the old saying
goes ....."A cuddle a day, keeps the Vlashka-lovers at bay"
All
about me in October
I could
have danced all night.......
What a
month, darlings! Not only has that horrid
Book Monkey been sent all the way
to Japan to look for the country of the month books,
but I got to meet
my
Very Own Heroes the Llewelyn-Bowens!
Preparation was key. I made sure I had plenty of sleep the night before,
followed by a light post-lunch snooze so as to be as fresh-faced and
perfect as possible. I got most of the day's scratching out of the way
so as not to appear rude and shook myself a few times to look fluffed up
so they could appreciate my full cuteness. Mrs B came up trumps with a
gorgeous dark pink satin ribbon for me to wear around my neck. I looked
just gorgeous.
I managed
to stay calm until about 4.15 but then I couldn't bear the suspense and
had to have a glance down the street to see if they were coming. Not
cool, I know and thank god they didn't see me looking. They arrived
promptly at 4.30 to a full shop and to my amazement, they said almost
immediately something like "Oh, who's this then?" (I can't
remember the exact words, it was all a blur!) in a lovely cooing tone
which was JUST AMAZING! I was totally, like, choked! These people are
proper stars and for them to say that about me EVEN BEFORE addressing Mr
B was beyond my wildest expectations. I remained rather star-struck for
a few minutes, before
regaining
my composure and lying as calmly and poshly as possible at their feet.
Signing,
chatting, more signing, photos, blah, blah, yadda yadda. Then was the
best moment of the whole night.....they
picked me up for a photo! I got a proper cuddle from
Jacqueline (Jackie, to me) and got close enough to Laurence to smell his
divinity!
Step
aside Mr B, this hound is going places! This month the Llewelyn-Bowens,
next month Jeremy Bowen...whoever next?! (hopefully not Jim Bowen, no
offence!).
On a more
sombre note, can I just say how much I am dreading 5th November.
All
about me in September
Like most
dogs and some humans, I crave routine. Which is why I HATE Thursday
events at the shop. DISRUPTION DISRUPTION DISRUPTION. I don't like to
rant. I'm a positive dog on the whole. I acknowledge that some elements
of my life are perhaps more comfortable than if they'd left me in that
dogs' home in Prague. I appreciate that the sheepskin rug I sleep on,
for example, is nicer than being outside. I can forgive the odd time
they forget to give me my after-dinner treat. I even concede that the
morning tummy tickle on the bed could be seen as a little indulgent. I
am reasonable. But "Event" Thursdays are becoming unacceptable and
intolerable. Delayed dinner, short walk, chairs everywhere, loud
clapping, loud laughing, nibbles just out of reach, "Quiet Vlashka!",
"Down Vlashka!". Need I go on?
Yes. My
discontent has manifested itself in the rewording of a well-known song.
I am sure you will recognise it.
It's
just another Manic Thursday
Wish
it was Sunday
That's
my Fun Day
My
"Get a Proper Run" Day
Just
another Manic Thursday.... etc.
All
about me in August
I must say this whole shop lark has made a great change to being holed
up with them lot for all those months at home and it's also much better
now the Book Monkey's constantly away looking for stuff for the
Country of the
Month
feature etc. So now it's mostly all about ME. Apparently,
I even get to choose the winner of this month's
Quirky Quiz
in the Newsletter by eating a whole load of biscuits so
things are definitely on the up. There are also lots more squirrels in
Victoria Park than out in the country where we live. Fewer rabbits,
true, and not seen a single deer yet, but am hopeful nonetheless.
As for
life in the shop, well to be honest it can get a little dull just
lounging around watching them sell books and there's always some punter
wanting a book just under "T" where I'm sat. My current preference is
therefore to sit on the front step of the shop where it's nice and cool
and to wag my tail at passers-by. That way, I also get to have my photo
taken A LOT, something of which I am very fond. Just a tip to any of my
potential snappers out there - if you make a cat noise whilst taking the
shot, I will cock my head in a particularly cute fashion and it makes a
cracking photo.
Talking
of which, have you seen the
PHOTOS OF ME yet?
